Hello and happy Friday! I’m taking some R&R, but I’ve got a great lineup of writing friends to keep you entertained in my absence. Today’s guest post is from Caroline Manring, a dear friend and talented writer. I met Caroline at a welcome barbecue at the beginning of graduate school, where we were both sitting around wondering how the hell to act like normal human beings. I complimented her on her cool sneakers (Le Coq Sportif, which my study abroad friends in France called Sporty Cocks), she said thanks, one of us said This is weird and hard, and we’ve been friends ever since. Caroline writes a hilariously funny Substack about parenting, running, and the joys and tragedies of being a human. Below is an essay that makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt and I make weird animal noises. Enjoy.
Nursery School - Application for Enrollment
Describe [applicant 1]: their personality, character, likes and dislikes.
PIE
Describe [applicant 2]: their personality, character, likes and dislikes.
RACCOON
What goals and aspirations do you have for your applicants and how do you see the school supporting these?
SOMETIMES THEY POOP ON PORCH SO NOT SUPER SURE
How do you see yourself contributing to the School’s Community?
WHAT
Are you more interested in the half day program or the full day program?
WHO DOES NIGHT PART
What makes you believe your applicants are ready for nursery school?
COFFEE
What concerns do you have about your applicants behaviorally and developmentally?
RABIES
How do you prefer to be contacted?
MASSAGE
In the event that your child is unduly distressed, whom should we call?
JOHN DEERE
Please list any skills your applicants excel at.
BIRD IDENTIFICATION (AUDIO); HITTING; GOURDS
What areas of interest have most recently surfaced for your applicants?
LIGHTHOUSES THAT ARE ON FIRE; TRACTORS WHO EAT BARF-BERRIES
What lessons are you currently working on at home?
BARF-BERRIES
How would you describe yourself as an influence on your applicants?
LIGHTHOUSE THAT IS ON FIRE
*
Doctor’s Office - Intake
Please state the reason for your visit today. Print clearly.
WHICH ONE
Are you currently an organ donor?
WHY YOU BEGIN THIS WAY
How much exercise would you say you get in a week?
DOES DESPERATION COUNT
Can you bend down to pick up a pen?
IS THE PEN ON FIRE
Do you have trouble showering?
DO YOU HAVE NOSE
When was the last time you had a routine physical?
WHAT IS WORD LOOKS LIKE POUTINE
Do you have a healthcare proxy on file?
I SAID YES ONCE AND NOW I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
Please list all your medications and allergies.
NO
Why did your referring doctor send you our way?
SANDWICH VENDING MACHINE / SOME SCANNING MAYBE
To your knowledge, does CT contrast dye cause any allergic reaction for you?
LOVE THIS STUFF SIGN ME UP
Really? Because it can be a little alarming, right after the dye goes in— some people think they’ve wet their pants! But they haven’t!
ITS REALLY THE LITTLE THINGS ISNT IT
*
Caroline Manring is a writer based in Ithaca, New York, with fifteen years of writing instruction experience. Her first poetry collection, Manual for Extinction, won the 2012 National Poetry Review Book Prize, and her second, CERULEANA, is available now from Nine Mile Press. Her essays and poems have appeared in Colorado Review, Conduit, Denver Quarterly, Drunken Boat, jubilat, Juked, New Ohio Review, Seneca Review, Verse Daily, and elsewhere. She writes the weekly humor newsletter Notes from the Dishwasher Café, a series on the hard work of being human—especially in the roles of parent, writer, runner, crafter, convalescent, and compulsive meaning-maker. Her variety of interests, including endurance running, acting, musical performance, field ornithology, and visual art, help her come to the writing or editing table prepared for any topic, theme, or genre.
hilarious!